My Selective Memory

Somehow in my little summer chemo break I completely blocked out 4 years of Kadcyla side effects. Four weeks ago when I got chemo and then spent 7 days not feeling well I thought, fluke. So last week when I went again and SURPRISE got sick again I was just sad.

Hopefully today, day 8, will bring some normalcy to my body. It’s so frustrating because I work so hard to keep my body fit and strong but I just cannot overcome the actual physical effects of medicine going into my body. My brain just thinks I’m doing something wrong. If I change this, or stop doing that, I will be able to compensate, counter-balance and control it.

Every day I wake up and make a plan. I will do this. I will take care of things. I will do what I need to do. And then by ten o’clock in the morning I am done. I have used up my limited supply of energy. Once the physical energy is gone, so is the mental. I just get tired of fighting every day.

Of course in a few more days I will have forgotten everything you see above and start all over. 🙂

I decided to try and knit a pullover. This I one.

Susan – it’s that yarn we both like. I am using grey and teal. No browns.

I had some of the yarn and ordered the rest. I made it through the two side panels and one sleeve before I ran out of yarn. FedEx is holding the rest of my yarn hostage. I have received 4 out of 6 missing packages so they are working on it. In the meantime my daughter asked me to make her a vest. So I ordered the yarn for that. It was shipped FedEx SmartPost instead of regular FedEx. It should be here today or tomorrow. But in the meantime because I was suddenly sitting with nothing to do while too sick to run around, I started a new pair of socks using a different pattern and method.

Started from the toe instead of the Cuff. Thanks C.J.

This means there is a good chance that I will have to make a decision in the next week because I will have three projects going at once. I will be stuck. I will want to finish all of them at once. I just don’t have that many hands. It is one of the things I don’t do.. I don’t have multiple projects going. It’s like having too much choice of food in the house, it makes me stuck.

Halloween Nails. Within days of going back on my chemo meds two of my nails are just disintegrating so I am working to get them better.

This is a very un-Tracy look but you gotta use them up!

I keep getting free strips from companies and they send me the craziest ones! Yesterday I got a black with Gold Glitter. Definitely not something I would pick. I used a set of black and white strips a couple of weeks ago and was surprised by how much I liked the look.

I’m really going to try and leave the house today.


  • Susan Joos

    October 6, 2021 at 4:12 pm Reply

    I always want to comment on every single thing you write here but then I get to this blank box and forget everything!

    I hate that you have to cope with the awful chemo reactions. I think you just do an amazing job of coping, even if it may not seem like it, to you.

    I do love that yarn! I have been holding off on my hats until it gets cooler or I am no longer working in the yard so much. (I bought tulip bulbs to plant!) l think I like your color combination better than the original in the picture. May I just say, your needle talents are ah-mazing! I have never tackled anything that complex, and knitting eludes me completely, so far. I have it in my head to tackle it again some day.

    I can’t believe the trouble you have with shipments!!! That’s just inexplicable. I don’t like leaving crochet projects undone for long because I forget where I am, the needle pulls out and partially unravels it, or I can’t seem to get the same rhythm to my stitches. If it doesn’t get finished, it WON’T get finished here!

    I love all the nails you’ve shown us. Yours are shaped beautifully! Mine have weird high ridges on the tops and are curved oddly around my fingers, making them difficult to shape, and I have little patience for it. My nails get very bad in the winter, when they dry and peel, which is a new thing for me.

    Shoot, there was something else, I think? But I have rambled long enough…and then some.🥴

    • Tracy

      October 6, 2021 at 4:45 pm Reply

      That’s the problem when people write these a paragraph a topic posts ! There’s just too much.
      Every year I say I am going to plant tulips. So far, no tulips. 🙂
      I’m in real trouble now because my sweater yarn arrived today. My daughters vest yarn will also arrive today. I would like to do hers because it’s for her, not me. But I need the skill I will learn from mine to do hers. ARGH!
      Thank you for ALL the compliments!

  • Nina

    October 7, 2021 at 1:17 am Reply

    I think I’m going to dive in and try knitting again.

    I’m sorry you are going through this bad time after each treatment! I’m guessing it’s like dragging your body over concrete one stroke after another…I’m sorry but I’m so grateful it is working!

    I can’t get over how good your nails look with those strips. I tried them when they first came out and they were horrible. So do you have to trim them to fit?

    • Tracy

      October 10, 2021 at 8:20 pm Reply

      Dragging myself over concrete made me laugh, I will add for the first three days, wet concrete. I am grateful every single time. 🙂
      I do not have to trim the sides unless I pick the wrong size. When you put them on, be patient and let them form to your nails. Rub gently down on them and let the heat of your own fingers make them adhere and then start bending them over the tips of your nails. After a few moments you can either let them tear over the tips of your nails, kind of bending/stretching them underneath or bend them and gently file and they will cut themselves right off perfectly.

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