Maybe I just need a nice Chianti

I’m angry today. It’s my low chemical day which makes me cranky. Usually I am a quiet kind of cranky during chemo week but today I am starting to feel ragey. I’ve been thinking about it all day and trying to really narrow in on what is going on. I have figured out what is triggering me and it makes me angrier.

I have been having my Vitamin D levels monitored since I was diagnosed as osteopenic. I’ve tried all the different types of supplements and mixing them with different things for absorption. Now it’s warm and beautiful and I’m tan and glowing so I’m also getting the bonus Vitamin D. Except my levels went down again as of Monday. WTF! I realized it has made me angry. Just full out angry. I am tired of doing all these things to try and stay healthier and be strong. Why can’t I stop breaking?
One of the causes of Vitamin D deficiency can be related to kidney & Liver disease. I have kidney disease, I do not have liver disease but my liver enzymes (which promote absorption of vitamins) are just terrible. It’s the chemo drugs. That is one of the side effects.

It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, I am a failure. I am old, ugly and too stupid to be able to care of myself. I mean, it doesn’t help that I someone who is small and furry kept waking me up early this morning and then I misread the clock and got up really early, so I am tired and nauseated and apparently fatigued and cranky from a lack of vitamin D.

Tomorrow will be better. OR ELSE


  • mb

    June 16, 2021 at 11:20 pm Reply

    HUGS! It is so maddening when things keep going wrong with your body and especially for someone like you who is working so hard to stay healthy. That really would make a person angry. The constant onslaught of things going wrong is such a hard thing to deal with. If you were a phone person, you would have had a phone call from me about this very subject.

    I hope tomorrow is a better day.

    • T Murray

      June 16, 2021 at 11:49 pm Reply

      Oh no, I hope you’re not having more stuff. I wish I were a phone person sometimes too. 🙁
      I have spent 49 minutes on the deck with the birds, the dogs and Simon & Garfunkel. Feeling better by the second.

  • Nina

    June 17, 2021 at 12:42 am Reply

    Omg I’m pissed today too for no reason…or many reasons and I should just accept it

    • T Murray

      June 17, 2021 at 12:46 am Reply

      I hate it when I don’t know the reason. It’s almost as bad as the actual anger.

      • Susan Joos

        June 17, 2021 at 1:01 am Reply

        I hear all of those voices when I am monitoring the scales closely and despite my best efforts, they are not going the right way.

        It’s terrible when you feel that way.

        Sending you vibes for a better tomorrow!

        • T Murray

          June 17, 2021 at 1:12 am Reply


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