Why I am Better (at this) than You

I was taught that no matter how hard I tried to do something it was not going to be enough. There was always going to be something that could be done better. That translated into always having to prove that I could do things as an adult. I mean there are some things I cannot do. Period. Plumbing, household maintenance, not my thing. So I don’t do them.

Somehow as an adult this translated into an inability to just relax and do nothing. I could do nothing, but I would be anxious the whole time. There are always 100 other responsibilities that I should be taking care of. But they were never going to be done well enough, so I could not do them. It was a weird vicious cycle.

When I got cancer the first time I was really quite sick and weak for a couple of months. I couldn’t do much but sit. But I still felt anxious about it.

When I got cancer the second time For a while I was very very sick, and there was the possibility that I would not get better, only sicker. At some point I had to quit work. For me, that’s when the magic happened. My brain just let go. I could not do anything for days on end. I just struggled to get out of bed. I remember laying on the couch and watching something stupid on television because I did not have the energy to sit up and change the channel. It was the most relaxed I have ever been in my life.

Over the years I have gotten stronger. It’s not consistent and the drugs that keep me alive really take a majority of my energy with them. It is a struggle sometimes to get up and go. As the time has gone on I have started to have more and more of that old anxiety though. I should be up. I should be doing. I should GO!

And then there was the quarantine. DUDE! I’m BACK! I can sit for HOURS with no anxiety. I have been teaching myself to follow bad crochet patterns and making strange things. I do my laundry, I get a little exercise. I have to be calm and a little quiet because Mr. Tracy is working from home, so bonus reason to just stay relaxing.

Silver Linings.

Curious if anyone else understands this craziness of mine?