I was taught that no matter how hard I tried to do something it was not going to be enough. There was always going to be something that could be done better. That translated into always having to prove that I could do things as an adult. I mean there are some things I cannot do. Period. Plumbing, household maintenance, not my thing. So I don’t do them.
Somehow as an adult this translated into an inability to just relax and do nothing. I could do nothing, but I would be anxious the whole time. There are always 100 other responsibilities that I should be taking care of. But they were never going to be done well enough, so I could not do them. It was a weird vicious cycle.
When I got cancer the first time I was really quite sick and weak for a couple of months. I couldn’t do much but sit. But I still felt anxious about it.
When I got cancer the second time For a while I was very very sick, and there was the possibility that I would not get better, only sicker. At some point I had to quit work. For me, that’s when the magic happened. My brain just let go. I could not do anything for days on end. I just struggled to get out of bed. I remember laying on the couch and watching something stupid on television because I did not have the energy to sit up and change the channel. It was the most relaxed I have ever been in my life.
Over the years I have gotten stronger. It’s not consistent and the drugs that keep me alive really take a majority of my energy with them. It is a struggle sometimes to get up and go. As the time has gone on I have started to have more and more of that old anxiety though. I should be up. I should be doing. I should GO!
And then there was the quarantine. DUDE! I’m BACK! I can sit for HOURS with no anxiety. I have been teaching myself to follow bad crochet patterns and making strange things. I do my laundry, I get a little exercise. I have to be calm and a little quiet because Mr. Tracy is working from home, so bonus reason to just stay relaxing.
Silver Linings.
Curious if anyone else understands this craziness of mine?
Ellen DeWitt
April 24, 2020 at 10:43 pmI have very little trouble sitting and doing nothing! I can sit and watch MSNBC for hours at a time even tho they repeat everything every hour. I do get anxious once in a while, but not often. It’s probably due to my bi-polar pills that keep me on an even keel most of the time.
Ninasusan
April 25, 2020 at 12:14 amI understand it. Ive been celebrating this requirement to stay home thing. It gives me permission to do exactly what I want to do. I probably need to look into this a little more….you know….over analyze because that’s one thing I’m damn good at.
tlm0000
April 28, 2020 at 12:30 pm“Gives me permission” is exactly how I feel about it. I am glad to see I am not the only one. I think we just were always raised to be productive and the whole time to lean, time to clean type of mentality. Not literally. I don’t’ really clean, or lean for that matter.