Trigger Warning Alert

Eating Disorder Discussion

I am not a fan of the phrase trigger warning but I am going to discuss mental processes and eating disorders, so stay away if this might be an issue for you.

.

.

.

.

.

I want to start by saying I DO NOT have an eating disorder and in no way shape or form am attempting to imply that I do, or have any real knowledge. This is just a post of my musings.

So I have lost a lot of weight. It is just from the Boniva. I am nauseated when I eat and even more so when I drink. I am not underweight. I think I am probably spot on with an ideal weight for my body type. Except for the nausea I actually feel pretty good! I have been working out more, and building some muscle but what has happened is I am just shedding fat. There is no place on my body right now that you can press and not feel bone.

After all these decades of watching peoples worth in the world being judged on a scale of looks suddenly being fatless has led to some strange emotions and thought patterns. It is so easy to get skinny if you just stop eating. After a few weeks you rarely get hungry anymore. Once those two thoughts entered my brain there was a switch in my brain that enjoyed the control.

I feel like that was an epiphany for me. Imagine having a life or personality that did not allow you to ever feel in control (not me, others hypothetically) then suddenly having this one thing that you had complete and total control over and made you feel like you were becoming more attractive and accepted by exerting this control. For me, it is far more important to feel healthy and good and strong than to be skinny so I doubt, especially at this age that my ego and brain would ever let me have any disordered eating pattern but just think if I were 16 year old me? How bad would it be?

Am I 900% wrong on the thought patterns of others? Probably, but it is what I am thinking about.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a checkup and obviously we had a discussion about my weight loss. He asked me about foods I ate and such and I had to laugh because I became so uncomfortable!! Now I have a little more sympathy for people who have had to talk to me about their food intake.

I am doing the one thing I did not want to do and adding a protein supplement. He convinced me by mentioning muscle deterioration. You know how hard I have worked to build muscle!!! I am adding a scoop of orgain vanilla protein+ to my morning golden milk. Pretty tasty.

Maybe the protein will help my brain as well. Still not functioning the way it is supposed to. My focus is just gone. Gone, gone, gone. I cannot think on one thing in a straight line. Writing this tiny little blurb of a blog post has taken forever!