Can you my darlin’

Can you picture this…

I had an interesting (to me) realization about my brain at two this morning that I am hoping once I identified the problem I can work toward a solution.

I am having trouble picturing things in my head. One of the ways I have always calmed my brain or problem solved is to focus on an image. The image varies, usually it is a scene; a park, a forest, looking out at clouds from an airplane, or even a familiar setting in a neighborhood. It needs to be something I have seen multiple times. Once I have an image I can concentrate on details of the image and look very closely at things. I assume this is in reality a form of mediation. It unclutters my brain.

I know there are occasional conversations in the my little online world about people who picture things when they think of them, and others who do no. There is a name for it. I picture things. If I want to remember something I write it down and then picture it. That seems to be what I am losing.

For instance, this cup.

I have been drinking out of this cup for over a decade. It is the cup Amanda gave me when I met her and Nina a hundred years ago. I can tell you what it says on the other side, but I cannot see the picture in my head. If I close my eyes and try my eyes feel like they are flickering.

I am both fascinated and not happy about this. Is it the drugs, or age, or just a skill that I have lost? I will have to start working on focus I think, and committing things to long term memory. I was looking for a reason to replace my almost empty sparkly pen and I think this is the perfect opportunity! Sparkly pens, mini sketch book and slow doodles.

OH! And now blood is coming out of my nose so I will take that as a time to stop! Lovely lovely chemo week.