I have had a subject in my head for awhile that I cannot seem to form into a cohesive thought so this might be a bit disjointed. Just need to put it down somewhere and let go.
When people compliment people for being kind or nice or just in general good humans it makes me a little crazy. Why are people surprised when I do not act rudely or meanly. There are two options here:
1. I am a terrible person and so when I am not terrible people want to encourage me
2. We are so use to people behaving badly that we just assume deep down everyone is like that.
I feel like my body is falling apart. I am having more and more trouble breathing. It has gotten bad enough that last night I had nightmares about finding more tumors in my lungs. Though in my dreams the tumors were long and fibrous, like bands inside my lungs pulling them closed, which is precisely what it feels likes. My neuropathy is also suddenly much worse. I try not to use my fingertips because it just feels so creepy. Hopefully both of these things are weather related.
I need to revisit a pulmonologist but I have fired (without telling him) my current pulmonologist and have no urge to start with a new one. My old one committed two unforgivable errors. He went through my medical history and told me all the things my doctors did were wrong. Not generally, specifically. He pointed out each thing that he thought should have been differently. He also told me I was old and there was nothing I could do but let my body shut down.