I have had a subject in my head for awhile that I cannot seem to form into a cohesive thought so this might be a bit disjointed. Just need to put it down somewhere and let go.

When people compliment people for being kind or nice or just in general good humans it makes me a little crazy. Why are people surprised when I do not act rudely or meanly. There are two options here:
1. I am a terrible person and so when I am not terrible people want to encourage me
2. We are so use to people behaving badly that we just assume deep down everyone is like that.

I feel like my body is falling apart. I am having more and more trouble breathing. It has gotten bad enough that last night I had nightmares about finding more tumors in my lungs. Though in my dreams the tumors were long and fibrous, like bands inside my lungs pulling them closed, which is precisely what it feels likes. My neuropathy is also suddenly much worse. I try not to use my fingertips because it just feels so creepy. Hopefully both of these things are weather related.
I need to revisit a pulmonologist but I have fired (without telling him) my current pulmonologist and have no urge to start with a new one. My old one committed two unforgivable errors. He went through my medical history and told me all the things my doctors did were wrong. Not generally, specifically. He pointed out each thing that he thought should have been differently. He also told me I was old and there was nothing I could do but let my body shut down.


  • mb

    October 15, 2020 at 4:02 pm Reply

    Wow! Screw that guy! What a horrible thing for a doctor to do. What an arrogant SOB. I know you don’t want to have to deal with finding a new one but I find it concerning that you are having trouble breathing.

    I am sorry about the neuropathy.

    About the kindness compliment – maybe that person notices kindness because it is not their first response. But I think it is two. So many people are just so mean anymore, that is shocks people when others are kind. I def don’t think it is one.

    • tlm0000

      October 16, 2020 at 3:01 am Reply

      It’s one of those weird things, I don’t realize how angry he made me until I think back on it. I have had feelings about him.

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